Last night was
just one of my many ordinary nights ─ or so I thought…
I got home a
little late than usual. I had a doctor’s appointment after work and the
consultation took a while; so, I was a little tired when I got home. I did all
my usual menial activities, I checked my phone for unanswered messages, eat
whatever food left in the fridge (I was in my “I’m not really hungry, I don’t
think I need dinner tonight” kind of mood), prepared for sleep, took my journal
and my bible to my bed, looked out the window, looked up the sky while hugging
my bible close to my heart and started talking to GOD.
I talked to God
like I would to a friend when I pray. I told him about my usual prayer. The only
prayer I asked of him for myself. Then suddenly pools of liquid spring to my eyes. They trickled down my
face and would never stop. I poured my heart out to God. And he encouraged me
as if saying;
“My child, I am
here. Tell me everything. I saw you trying to numb your heart for a long time. I
am aware that you haphazardly picked yourself up and glued your heart to piece
them back together, put a smile on your face, walked to the world nonchalant
about your pains. But that’s not what I want for you.
I want a brand
new heart for you; you have always asked me that. And that is what you deserve. Remember
those glue and bandage you use to hold yourself back up? You see, those are
just temporary bonds, it may have hold your heart for awhile but those actually
made all the gaps and the cracks in your heart more visible to me. Temporary
bandage are not good enough. That’s not what I want for you.
Don’t be scared
of your tears. Don’t be scared of your pains. I tell you what I did. Those
temporary bonds in your heart, you don’t need them. I turned them into liquid,
let go of your pains and release them through tears. I heard you, I am here and
I will heal you. Pour out your heart, let go of all your tears, let go of all
your pains and I will reward you with a heart that’s whole like the one you used
to have. A heart who knows how to forgive, to understand, to support, to
listen, to be patient, to love and to trust. That’s the heart that you deserve
to have; the kind of heart that I want for you to have again. My child, this
has always been your prayer, be patient and I will give it to you in time.”
I was immovable
for God knows how long. I was just crying out to him. I cannot believe myself.
He spoke directly into my heart. His words bypassed my logic I didn’t have time
to think I did not even tried to think. I did not want to let go of that
moment. And then after a while I stopped crying opened the Bible at random and
this is what it says:
Love
and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.
Faithfulness
springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.
The
Lord will indeed give what is good, and our
land will yield its harvest.
Righteousness
goes before him and prepares the way for his steps.
Psalm
85: 10-13
And then I
started crying again. Have you seen those video clips from the midnight program
of The 700 Club on TV? Those moments when the person giving his testimony
decides to go back to God and encounter their turning point? You could picture
me somewhat like that only those clips only last for a few seconds. Mine took a
longtime. I honestly don’t know how long I sat crying and rocking myself while
hugging the Bible like that. I am happy with my faith, I’m not religious but I
believe in my God with full understanding of my relationship with Him. I don’t
claim to know him too well and I am not learned
in Bible reading. And honestly my logic could not explain what that
scripture wants to speak to me. But my heart says that scripture is the
completion of his word to me a few weeks back.
Wait for
the Lord; be strong, and let your
heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
(Psalm
27:14)
***It took me a
while deciding whether to post this or not. Firstly, because I promised not to
post my life’s drama in this site (so forgive me for failing to keep my
promise). Secondly, because of matters of conformity (though I’m not really a
conformist, it’s just that I don’t want you, my readers to feel uncomfortable
about this topic). The thing is I’m a Catholic, and Catholics are not really
known to be openly talking about their encounters with God nor are they known
for reading the Bible on a day to day basis (More about this on my future
posts). But then again I reasoned why would people feel
uncomfortable talking about God? And then, something
told me, just post it. It’s never wrong to tell the world about God. The
world needs to hear it (read it…), the world has to know. Besides, you wouldn’t
know, there might be someone out there who needs it. Maybe it’s not for you;
maybe someone else needs to hear it through you. So go ahead, post it.
God will see us
through (This line I added just today, and I’ll hold this in my heart. God will
keep me, protect me, and will never let me go through anything to push me away
from him, to make me feel unloved.). He is God the beginning and the end…only
in his time…
Live to Love and
Honor God
Mai
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